A few months to a year ago, a scary thought came to me... that one day, I would have to say goodbye to my Nanay. I didn't really give it that much thought because of course I didn't want her to go but also because I've always known her to be a very strong woman. Even at 77 she could run :) But it crossed my mind still and I was thinking how painful it might be should that day come or how much I'll be crying if she passes. I didn't know that the day would come way sooner than I expected.
Miss Leonila Camasura aka "nanay" was my yaya/nanny since birth. Both my parents were employed so we were left with her day in and day out when my folks would be out at work. She's from Davao and came to take care of me when she was in her 40s. She used to work as a saleslady then she started working as a nanny to some foreign families and she finally spent a long time with the Schott's, who were American missionaries. So we were blessed to have one of those yaya's who spoke english... with an accent! She was mighty proud of that and she loved that she was able to have that background to be able to teach us. She was no ordinary "yaya." I call her nanay because she is like a 2nd mom to me. I didn't call her nanay just because it was a nicer term. In my whole life 'til this point she really acted like a second mom to me. She was someone appointed by God to look after me and to show me love and affection on a different level.
She called me lots of names... but most of the time, it was Bodoy, Big Boy (coz I was a big baby boy), or simply "doy." For her, Bodoy meant love/affection. She called me that even til the last times she could shape her mouth to speak properly before she passed.
I am blessed. I am blessed because God blessed me with a Nanay whose happiness was to take care of me and love me. She would often say that she was not working for money but she was working for love. Because she really did. She didn't have the best salary working for us but she never left even if she had better offers. How many people can say that they had their help with them for 38 years?
However, she also felt sad somehow. She didn't want to go back to Davao to her relatives just because she "thought" that people would think and say behind her back that all these years in Manila working for us and she never saved anything... I would like to go on the record and shout it out to the heavens to you Nanay that I know why.
"You just don't realize how much you've given out to a lot of people in need that's why you didn't get to save."
You'll be surprised how many people come by the house to ask for food, water, money, help, etc... it wasn't because we had a lot to give but because Nanay was very generous. She'd use up all her month's salary (after buying her medicines, and a lotto ticket hehe etc) to buy food... "for people who would knock on our gate" as she'd say. I would always catch her giving money even to people who, unfortunately, were sometimes taking advantage of her generosity borrowing money never to be seen again :( . We had so many situations where she would even talk and explain to me a need of this new someone that she wanted to help but Nanay didn't have enough money so she was asking extra help from me. She was like that. Nanay was a giver. Period. she didn't even buy clothes for herself! Every birthday or Christmas, if she wasn't asking for clothes, she would sometimes just ask for money... that ended up being given away to bless someone...
In my case, she gave her whole life. She gave 38 years of her life to be with us starting with my older sister! So just imagine how attached I am to her. I even realized earlier talking with my wife, that I've known her longer than how I know my older sister since she also passed away when I was only 17.
Last November, she was all psyched up to return to Davao to visit her relatives there. We were all excited for her. Unfortunately, she slipped while preparing food and fractured a huge part of her leg that she was bedridden since. However, she was ALWAYS hopeful that one day she will get well and walk and carry my baby Olivia and sing to her the songs she sang for me when I was a baby. Even in her condition, she was still as strong as she was in her will and in her physical body. She would even show me that she can lift her body weight with her arms alone. With that, we then continued the plan to send her to her relatives and make sure she was able to spend time with her and help her out with anything when she gets there.
But all of it changed last Friday when I went to her room to check up on her and she could hardly lift her arms to eat. I felt something was wrong. I was informed that she didn't have any appetite the past days. I didn't know that it was going on for a while because she seemed very strong and when I'd ask if she was eating, she'd say she was. But seeing her condition last Friday, I knew something was wrong. I just felt that maybe she was just weak from not eating so I encouraged our other household help to assist me in feeding her from time to time so that she could regain her strength. I even told nanay that she needed to be strong quickly because I wanted to fly with her to Davao in a week's time to take her to her relatives. She ate FINALLY so I was very hopeful that a few more days of that would get her strength back and she can be on her way.
The next day though, I felt something was wrong. Her breathing was different. Nanay had asthma so I just thought that she might have been having a hard time breathing coz of it. I asked her many times if she was having trouble breathing and she said she didn't. I insisted that she had her asthma meds taken because I really saw that something wasn't right. Later that day, it was still the same so I again gave her meds. We had a long time together talking as I made sure she ate and I was helping her eat since she was still weak. By this time though, my hopes of her getting her strength back was in reverse since instead of being better the next day after eating, she seemed worse. I stood in faith and laid hands on her and prayed for her as the spirit urged me to. Even when I went back to the room, my wife woke up and felt the urge to pray.
Sunday came, and when I woke up and went straight to check up on her, she was eating and talking but the breathing was still "different" and so I decided to take her to the hospital for checkup because I felt this wasn't asthma anymore despite the fact that she was insisting that she didn't have any real difficulty breathing. After checking up on her and started making plans preparing to take her, everything went downhill.
I prepared and when I went back to her room, she was different. I talked to her but she suddenly became too weak to even make up the words right in conversation. I carried her to sit to prepare to carry her to the car and she even said "give me one minute to rest" as she tried to lie down after I sat her up initially. That was the last clear phrase I heard from nanay. When I sat her up again, she already seemed unresponsive. I then carried her quickly to the car and ran to my wife to tell her that it wasn't looking good. Up to that point, I just thought maybe she was dehydrated from not eating or drinking enough but it didn't seem right to me because I was trying to get her back to her feet the past 2 days already.
As I rushed to the hospital, I could see nanay from the rearview mirror. My mom was with me and we'd call "nanay" and she'd just say "uuhhh" to respond. What was quite heartbreaking for me was that her eyes seemed to be gone already. She was just staring into the sky intently.
When we got there, she even tried to utter the words "san tayo?" It wasn't clear but I knew she meant that so I told her we were at the hospital already. She was always very sensitive about her leg fracture because it hurt so I warned the nurses. But she didn't flinch at all even if the nurses touched that part. That's when I knew it really was getting worse. I parked the car as my mom went with her inside and the moment I walked into the ER, her vitals was almost gone. They told me her blood pressure was VERY low already, she didn't have corneal reflex already and she had renal failure already. She was gasping for air when we got there and after a few moments, she wasn't breathing on her own already and the nurses was breathing for her with a pump already. I didn't know what was happening and why. It all happened so quick. I was just talking with her earlier that day and she was very strong just a few days ago then suddenly this. The doctors and nurses then told me to prepare for the worst already because it really wasn't looking good. Long story short, she just made it in time but everything was failing internally slowly that we were just there waiting for her to pass away. I tell whoever's reading this... it is a feeling I hope you won't experience in your life. It is something you've never felt before that eats you up inside.
So we then headed to her room where we "waited" for her to be with our creator. But she still fought for a little more than a day. I went home to get some stuff but I hardly made it back. When my wife and I got there, she just waited for us. She was pronounced dead but with very little pulse she fought 'til I got there and her monitor even reacted when she heard my voice and cries and that was our final time together... I was at her bedside laying my head on her lap and embracing her and holding her hand. It was difficult but as I told her when she was first brought up to the room, I reminded her that she can now rest and stop fighting to live. Nanay was a real fighter and it was seen until she was gone. Last night, I told her it was ok to let go now and rest. That her Bodoy would be fine and that I'll be a responsible man to Bernice and Olivia. I told her that my younger sister would be fine also because she's now married to a loving man. I told her she can finally rest and be happy with our creator, which was what she was always asking for whenever she'd feel down. I told her that her dreams would be realized already then after a day of fighting, she finally let go.
Minutes after she passed, I felt a comfort of something inside like she was reminding me that with all my regrets of how I really hoped and planned for her to go to Davao and all, she was telling me, that she really wanted her last moments to be spent with her "alagas" me and my sister, plus her extended alagas which were our spouses.
For the whole night after she passed, the image I had was her nice smile in the heavens because my prayer to God even when she was still in the ER was if God will take her now, that God would make it extra special for nanay and to make her the happiest. I prayed to make her VERY happy because she deserves all the happiness Heaven can give after all the heartaches and sacrifices she made on Earth.
As the doctor reported that morning, she had a bad case of Pneumonia, which wasn't detected. Its infection caused sepsis already and poisoned her system making her internal organs give out slowly in the process. When we got there that Sunday, her left lung already collapsed somehow or wasn't functioning anymore from the Pneumonia. As I wrote earlier, she had renal failure already discovered when we got there and later found that her digestive system was next and everything just followed.
My beloved Nanay was pronounced (I'll rephrase it to "Happy with God") April 23, 2012 at 8:26PM but her system and reaction to my voice fought til almost 9pm.
"Thanks nanay for EVERYTHING.
Thanks for finding new toys for me or just about anything just to keep me entertained when I was a little kid... like putting roaches inside a sandwich plastic bag cuz I was fascinated by its movement inside. I realized later on in life that as a woman, it must've been gross for you to do it but you still did because you loved me.
Thanks also for finding ways for me to be able to enjoy things that were beyond my reach... like how we didn't have our own computer gaming system at home so you'd scrounge up anything like old tires, old bottles and even ask from people just to have something to sell so that you can give me money to go out any play nintendo at the shops.
Thanks for all the little riddles you taught me when I was growing up.
Thanks for loving our family and taking care of all our needs over the years with all your heart soul and might.
Thanks for even being the one to lend me money even if you didn't have much when I needed it when I was younger.
Thanks for ALWAYS waking up to open the door for me regardless of what time I come home... that even if I tell you not to, you're the one who insists that I wake you up. I will ALWAYS remember that.
Thanks for times where you always put our needs ahead of yours. I would never forget that.
Thanks for always being proud of me, my accomplishments and loving me through and through.
I love you 'nay! I will truly truly miss your voice, your laugh, your voice and your singing. I would never be the Cyril I am today if not for your role in my development as a person.
I will be forever grateful to God for blessing me with a nanay such as yourself, who would give anything just to see her 'Bodoy' happy.
I promise to let Olivia know when she grows up, that once upon a time, there was a special someone who took care of her dad and I shall tell her of all the wonderful things you have done for me.
Please say Hi to Ate, Lolo and Lola for me!"
Love,
Bodoy
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After a while, I forgot I had them on. Open back in design, they were hugely comfortable to wear and relatively well built – I could imagine having these on for hours on end and not experiencing any pain or fatigue.
